What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
