you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
