Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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