If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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