I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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