I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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