i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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