Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
