he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
