i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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