He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
