I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
