Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
