My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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