Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
