I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
