I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
