Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
