why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
