When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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