hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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