I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize