I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
