Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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