so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
