the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do you have feelings for this penis?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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