You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
