so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
