I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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