I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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