I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
