just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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