It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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