I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
