just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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