UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
