if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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