Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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