sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
