allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
True strength comes from lack of pants
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
