I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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