I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
