I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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