So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
