last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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