a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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