nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
