I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
