I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
