Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
