i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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