I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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