One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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